Nothing Gold

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. -Robert Frost

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Location: Arlington, Virginia, United States

I am a white American middle class suburban housewife trying desperately to tell herself that that is not who she is. One time I was a glowing young ruffian. Oh my God it was a million years ago.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Due Date

June 10 was supposed to be the day that our miscarried baby was due. That day is rapidly approaching. I don't know how I'll feel on that day, but I'm afraid of it. It gives me that feeling that I would get in school when a paper was due soon and I'd had months to work on it and I should be almost finished but I haven't even started. I'm dreading the day. I don't even know if I'll be sad. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It's kind of unconscious, or superconscious or something. I don't really feel sad about the miscarriage usually now. Schuyler does sometimes. Sometimes when I look at Levi and think about what a perfect age he is to have a new baby sister or brother that makes me a little sad. He asks me sometimes, "Mommy, why is your belly big?" I have to tell him "there's no babies in there, sweetie, it's just extra fat." Which is slightly damaging to my self esteem, but I know that he's just hoping we'll have a baby and he'd probably say that even if I had a flat stomach. He's going to be so old now if we ever have another child. But, I just need to remind myself, like I do with many other things, that this is who we are. This is what our family is. In the end, the pictures I have in my mind about what we ought to be come from tv and books and just aren't important. We are good parents and a happy family. I'm not June Cleaver and I don't want to be. Not really.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your family. Might not be the white picket fence version, but I think that's better, truly. Thinking of you today.

2:03 AM  
Blogger kate said...

God bless your family, Maggie. You are all beautiful, and radiant, and I'm so blessed to know you. I'm praying that your family does grow someday.
With any luck on both sides, we can get together and chat sometime about having a bigger-than-we-ever-planned-for age gap between kids.

4:37 PM  
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2:07 AM  

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