Due Date

June 10 was supposed to be the day that our miscarried baby was due. That day is rapidly approaching. I don't know how I'll feel on that day, but I'm afraid of it. It gives me that feeling that I would get in school when a paper was due soon and I'd had months to work on it and I should be almost finished but I haven't even started. I'm dreading the day. I don't even know if I'll be sad. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It's kind of unconscious, or superconscious or something. I don't really feel sad about the miscarriage usually now. Schuyler does sometimes. Sometimes when I look at Levi and think about what a perfect age he is to have a new baby sister or brother that makes me a little sad. He asks me sometimes, "Mommy, why is your belly big?" I have to tell him "there's no babies in there, sweetie, it's just extra fat." Which is slightly damaging to my self esteem, but I know that he's just hoping we'll have a baby and he'd probably say that even if I had a flat stomach. He's going to be so old now if we ever have another child. But, I just need to remind myself, like I do with many other things, that this is who we are. This is what our family is. In the end, the pictures I have in my mind about what we ought to be come from tv and books and just aren't important. We are good parents and a happy family. I'm not June Cleaver and I don't want to be. Not really.