Nothing Gold

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. -Robert Frost

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Location: Arlington, Virginia, United States

I am a white American middle class suburban housewife trying desperately to tell herself that that is not who she is. One time I was a glowing young ruffian. Oh my God it was a million years ago.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

More crap about my feelings

I have a hard time talking about how I feel. I guess it just feels self-indulgent or something. But I think that my friends do want to know how I feel, so I'll just try to be honest and straightforward and not try to sound good.
I am feeling worlds better this week than I was last week. Last week was really hard for me. I don't think I handled it very well. It didn't feel like mourning so much as depression. I just wanted to lay on the floor and not ever get up. It was an unhealthy self-centered kind of sadness. Sometimes I felt like nobody cared about me and I cried about that. Sometimes I felt like people were too nice to me and I cried about that. I said that I felt lonely, and that's true, but it doesn't quite describe the feeling I had. I was desperate for affection. I just wanted someone to hug me and let me cry. A friend who found out about the miscarriage and how I was feeling from reading my blog called me and just said she loved me and cried. That was perfect. It helped. A family member sent a package with healing candle and "seeds of hope" for planting and a nice note. That helped too. A friend sent a long email. That helped too. My husband gave me lots of attention over the weekend and we cried together. That helped too. A friend who felt bad for not saying something last week called and talked to me. That helped too. Some friends came over yesterday and brought me a cake (my favorite kind) and just hung out. That helped too. I haven't gotten over the miscarriage, but I feel pretty normal most of the time and the sadness that hits me sometimes feels a lot healthier and somehow more productive. I'm ready to light those healing candles soon and the attachment says this:

Light of my Heart

I light this candle in celebration
For all I know you would have been.

I look into the light, feel the brighness
Of your spirit and the spark touches my heart.

I am filled with the aroma, a tangible reminder
Of the depth of my love for you.

As I extinguish the flame, the smoke rises
Giving flight to some small part of my pain.

Your precious light will remain burning
In my heart forevermore.

The package of seeds says this:

Seeds of Hope Blessing

I sow these seeds in remembrance of you.
As I tuck them into the soil,
I plant my hope for the future
while I bury my dreams
of holding you in my arms.
I entrust you to the loving care of the Earth Mother.
As you are received with open arms,
May your transition be peaceful
and calm.
May your spirit be warmed by the sun
May the rains wash away your worries and cares
And may the winds carry you
safely on your journey.
I now surrender you to soar
with the angels.
My spirit will heal but you will
remain in my heart forevermore.

Obviously that is slightly cheesy and there are parts that are questionable. But I'm touched by the thoughts and lighting the candles feels like something tangible to do. Parts of these make me cry (especially while I bury my dreams of holding you in my arms.) but that crying feels so much better than the crying I did last week. It feels almost good. Not good in the sense of crying out of happiness but good in that it feels honest and somehow productive.


Blogger Ken said...

Maggie, thank you for sharing your feelings, my heart continues to go out to you. Know that many people care for you and your family.


10:06 AM  
Blogger kate said...

Thank you again for sharing, Maggie. You are such an amazing person, and you are so loved. Please don't doubt that. You are not selfish for taking what time you can manage (which has to be almost none!) for you. Regardless of circumstances!
Blessings to you -- I give thanks for you and your family this day.

2:31 PM  

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